THE BLUE BUS TALES
A
New Tale for a Summer
Welding
This
story, published here to
commemorate
a close friend's wedding
in 1999.
Hopefully, their day will
turn out better than this
. . . just don't go by
bus!
TAMMY GOES TO A MARVELLOUS PARTY
It was very early in the
morning in the bus depot.
Tammy, the little bus with
nothing upstairs, has been
fast asleep all night, and
has just woken up.
She wakes the rest of the
depot, by ringing her bell
loudly, several times. Tammy
is a bit like the depot
alarm clock. All the other
buses depend upon her for an
early call. Then, she waits
the arrival of her driver.
He will start Tammy's strong
little engine, and prepare
her for a new day's
adventures on the roads,
lanes and by-ways of East
Yokelshire.
Tammy really looks forward
to the start of every new
day, to getting out onto her
routes and picking up all
her passengers and taking
them for a ride. The longer
the ride, the more she loves
taking them for it.
Tammy's driver lives right
next door to the bus depot,
so that he is never late for
work, and his first job is
to wake up his wife so that
she can make him breakfast.
Then he has to go and switch
on all the depot lights.
He fills Tammy's radiator
with water -- fresh water,
mind, for mashing tea with
later -- and tests all her
lights. Yes, that's fine,
all seem to be working
correctly. Now the horn.
BEEeeeeeeeeEEP! Yes, that
seems to be fine too.
Today, Tammy is taking her
passengers for a VERY
long ride, and for some of
them, life will never be the
same again. For Tammy is
going to take a welding
party - to . . . well, a
welding of course. Now Tammy
has never been to a welding
before, but she has heard
about them before, and she
is not that sure she will
like it, whatever it is. It
sounds very permanent. But,
all the same, she's very
excited, like she always is,
and she just can't wait to
be ready to be off.
Hartley, the brand-new
double-decker that thinks
he knows everything,
is Tammy's new friend, and
is also getting ready to go
and pick up all his
passengers. He is parked
right next to Tammy in the
depot, and Tammy has woken
him up with her noisy bell.
"Where are you off to today,
Hartley?" Tammy asked him.
"Aha, I'm off to somewhere
really special," Hartley
replied seriously. That
usually meant he didn't have
a clue where he was going,
or how to get there.
Most new buses have no idea
about anything.
"Oh, and where's that then?"
Tammy asked him cheerfully.
"Well, I'm going to pick up
some very posh ladies and
gentlemen, and I'm off to .
. . now where is it . . .
something called a . . . a
welding! Yes, that's it, I'm
going to a WELDING!" Hartley
cried out gleefully.
Tammy looked miffed. She
thought only she was doing
this special job. Hartley
had no business going to a
welding as well.
"Huh! Is that so. Well, I
never," she replied
haughtily.
"So, where are YOU going?"
Hartley asked.
Tammy wasn't sure that she
wanted to tell him now. But
she did anyway.
"I'm going to a welding.
Too!" she added, still
rather miffed. "But I can't
see what YOU are going for."
"Oh, I see, we are BOTH
going to a welding - perhaps
there are too many
passengers for one bus,"
Hartley explained as nicely
as he could.
"I'm sure I could manage,"
Tammy replied, getting even
more miffed.
Hartley still wondered what
a welding really was, but he
didn't want to ask Tammy -
she always made fun of the
things he didn't know. It
embarrassed him and . . .
and made him blush ...
bright blue!
So, both buses were prepared
for this big day. This was
going to be something really
special. First Tammy,
and then Hartley, left the
depot and made their way
right across Slumbertown to
a big, big house where
they would pick up all the
people that were all going
to a big party. A marvellous
party. A welding party!
Neither of the two buses had
any idea how long it would
take arrive. But, boys and
girls, you know how long any
journey takes, don't you? It
takes just as long as it
takes to get there. And even
a bit longer if there are
lots of tinkle stops along
the way.
They are called tinkle stops
on account of when the
ladies and gentlemen need to
leave the bus, and ask the
conductor if he will tinkle
the bell to tell the driver
to stop. But there were no
ladies and gentlemen aboard
just yet, so the journey
didn't take as long as it
usually takes.
Tammy hoped that she would
not get flattybatties and
her driver have to phone the
depot to call out Towbar
Charlie.
He was the depot tow-truck,
who loved to get called out
to pull buses home to the
depot. He especially
enjoyed pulling the lady
buses, so much he would pull
them three at a time if he
could.
Tammy
was quite astonished when she
and Hartley arrived at the big
house, and she saw the size of
the crowd of people waiting
for them. For everyone was
wearing very peculiar clothes.
All
the men wore long coats like
dresses, called frocks, and
very tall top hats! Very
peculiar. And all the women
wore huge dresses with big
hats with enormous flowers in
them. Even more peculiar!
Tammy had never seen anything
quite like this.
First, all the people tried to
get themselves onto just one
bus. And that annoyed Tammy,
because the bus they all tried
to get on was Hartley.
Well, he was the newest bus,
you see, quite modern in fact.
People, for some reason, do
seem to prefer a modern bus,
which to Tammy did seem rather
silly.
Tammy was even more annoyed
when some of these noisy
people only tried to get
aboard her when Hartley was
quite obviously full. In fact,
Hartley was so full with
well-dressed people that he
couldn't quite get his doors
shut. Mostly because of the
top hats. And some of the
ladies' legs, which stuck out
a bit. It was a bit of a job
to get all the windows closed
as well, and Hartley's very
annoyed driver had to fight to
get to his seat in the cab.
Presently, both buses were
packed tight full of people.
Hartley was packed jam tight,
which is even tighter. Hartley
had never been packed so tight
since last week's football
match.
Off they both went, though
neither bus had any idea where
to, or even what they would
find when they got there.
After only a short while, they
arrived at a huge grey
building with a big tower at
one end, and a clock on it
that pointed to the time of
day. Which, as it happens, was
about right. It said it was
time for something, Tammy was
clever enough to know that.
But quite what .. .. nah! She
wasn't all that sure now . . .
All the passengers had been
very noisy, some were singing,
and Tammy was quite sure that
some of them had been drinking
that funny pop, that stuff
that makes people's eyes go
queer.
"I say, Tammy, this all looks
rather good," Hartley shouted
as all their passengers
noisily rushed off both buses,
raced up a long path, and
disappeared inside the big
building. "What IS that
place?" Hartley said, very
puzzled.
"Huh! I know what it is,"
Tammy replied, with a big sigh
of recognition. "It's a church
of course!"
"And what's that used for
then?" Hartley asked, for he
was a very new bus and only
thought he knew everything.
But he didn't know what a
church was for, did he boys
and girls?
"Not a lot! - except when it's
used for welding people.
Together. I think it's a bit
like they do in the depot when
something is broken," she
explained. "People are welded
together so they can't get
apart. That's what this is all
about - someone in there is
getting welded. I've heard
people talking about it."
Tammy would have loved to have
got inside the church to see
just how the people
were welded. It must be
fascinating to watch.
"Who's getting welded then,"
Hartley asked.
"You'll see," Tammy replied.
"In a minute."
But all the people had barely
crammed themselves in, and
only been inside the church
for a few moments, it seemed,
when a great clatter started
up of noisy bells, and
everyone came rushing out
again. This time much faster
than they went in. What a
rush! They didn't care which
bus they got on this time,
they were obviously in so
great a rush and hurry to go
somewhere important. Perhaps
they were rushing away from
all the noisy row of the
bells!
Hartley was greatly surprised
when one of Tammy's
passengers, a little man
wearing a small top hat, went
aboard carrying a huge lady in
a big white gown. Everyone was
laughing and pushing and
shoving to make sure that the
little man and the big lady
got up Tammy's three little
steps, and properly settled
inside.
"See!" said Tammy to Hartley.
"The lady in the white gown is
said to be the Bride. And the
man in the top hat is said to
be the Groom."
Very soon, Tammy was full to
bursting, someone rang the
bell several times, and before
she could explain any further,
they were off!
Now, Hartley might be a new
bus, but he was very quick to
figure things out. He straight
away realised that the little
man, said to be the Groom, and
big lady, said to be the
Bride, were the ones that had
been welded. And so they were,
she in his arms, as if they
would never be parted. Joined
together so that no man could
put in anything they called a
sunder. But Hartley realised
that, because of the shape of
the little man's bent legs, it
must have been a great
struggle. Poor man, he
thought.
Ding-Ding, ding-ding,
dingding-ding-a-ling-a-ling!!
. . . went Tammy's bell, and
without further ado, they all
shot off up the road. Tammy
suposed that Hartley would
follow as soon as everyone was
safely aboard.
This time, the journey was
even quicker! Just around the
corner, and Tammy's driver
stopped her right outside a .
. . pub!
Oh no! Tammy thought in
despair. Not a pub. Oh dear,
dear me, she said to herself.
Not a pub!
For
Tammy knew what this
would mean. Another
late night for a
start. She didn't like
taking people home
from a pub. Especially
after a welding. For a
start, they didn't
seem to be able to
walk properly, which
Tammy supposed was the
fault of all the pop
they had drunk.
Within a few seconds,
everyone had rushed
off the bus and into
the pub even quicker
than they had rushed
into the church. And
with even more noise -
a lot more noise.
Hartley rushed up
shortly after, skidded
to a halt, and the
great crowd piled out
his door and straight
into the pub, once
they had got his doors
open. One or two of
the ladies' legs had
jammed them tight
shut.
"What's going on in
there?" Hartley asked
Tammy, when everyone
had disappeared inside
the pub. There was a
fearful racket coming
from within, and
Hartley was fearful
that the roof may
collapse. "And whatever
is all that
noise?"
"That is the party,"
Tammy explained
patiently. "That is
where all the people
sing and dance and
drink to celebrate the
two people that are
welded. That's why
it's a Welding Party.
And the noise is
called Pop Music," she
added, "and it is all
the pop that they
drink that seems to
make the pop music
louder and louder.
When everyone is very
happy. Then they all
have a fight."
"Why's that then?"
Hartley asked, in all
innocence.
"It's tradition," said
Tammy knowingly, "and
it's said to bring the
lady said to be the
Bride and the man said
to be the Groom, good
luck."
"Dear oh dear. Dear
me! I think they'll
need it!" exclaimed
Hartley, at all the
noise, which got
louder and louder. It
was the loudest noise
that Slumbertown had
heard in quite some
time. It was nearly
enough to waken the
dead, and they can't
hear very well at the
best of times.
"They'll need it all
right," Tammy said,
"because now that
they've been welded,
they've both got to
sleep on a mattress
full of holes."
She stopped and
thought for a moment.
"Or a holy mattress,
one or the other," she
added, "they've been
sort of joined,
anyway, in holy
mattressy. At least,
that's what it sounded
like. Very odd if you
ask me."
And so it was boys and
girls. For about . . .
well, a long while,
Tammy and Hartley
waited outside this
pub until it was dark.
And very late.
Presently, all the
people started coming
out. But not as fast
as they went in, oh
no. Most were walking
very steadily,
clutching their heads
and stomachs, and
leaning on any wall
they could find.
Presumably, this was
to stop their legs
from falling over.
Most were moaning,
"Oh, my head, oh my
poor head!" Which
seemed very strange to
Tammy, who could
plainly see that it
not their heads, but
all their legs that
were falling
over. That was
causing most of the
problem.
And then the happy
couple came out. They
are called the happy
couple because, after
all the pop they have
drunk, they are very
happy, very happy
indeed. The happy
lady, said to be the
Bride, had a little
trouble with her legs
as she climbed Tammy's
steps to board the
little blue bus, and
she had no real
trouble carrying the
little man, said to be
the Groom, in her
arms.
But it was easier once
she had thrown him
over her shoulder. For
the man, said to be
the Groom, had a
little trouble with
his legs, and was so
unable to walk. He was
what is commonly
called . . . legless.
Tammy knows this is
the right term,
because she overheard
their drivers talking
about it. "And he's
legless," she heard
one driver say to the
other. Which seemed
strange, because both
his legs were still
there. Oh, well, never
mind.
When everyone, or
mostly everyone, were
all aboard both buses,
off they all set to
get all these happy
and mostly legless
people home.
It took all night to
even find all their
homes, because most of
them just couldn't
quite remember where
their homes were, and
Tammy's clever little
driver simply had to
guess. But eventually,
all were safely
delivered, if somewhat
a little noisily.
Everyone reached a
home, even if it
wasn't theirs. Some of
them were happy about
this, and some of them
weren't. But everyone
had had a good time,
it seems, and most
agreed they would
never be able to
remember it, whichever
home they ended up in.
It had, they all
agreed, been an
absolutely, spiffing,
marvellous party.
Tammy, to keep herself
cheerful as she went
along, sang her song
to herself. It is
called Tammy's Song,
and goes like this ...
Hands Up ! And eyes open wide.
All aboard till
I'm full up
inside.
There's no
need to push -
I'm not in a
rush -
My tickets are
fresh -
And it's
four-pence a
ride.
There
were only two
fights, which
was a shame,
and that was
when the
Bride's mother
threw the
Groom's father
off the bus,
and the Bride
and Groom both
threw the Best
Man into a
large pond at
a tinkle stop.
It seems the
Best Man,
which isn't
the Groom, has
to be thrown
into a pond.
Only two
fights is good
for a welding,
and very
traditional,
it seems. It's
supposed to
bring good
luck, but who
to, no one is
quite sure.
But apart from
that, all
ended well,
apart from the
Groom's
father, who
wasn't very
well at all.
Tammy supposed
it would have
been best if
she had
stopped moving
before the
Bride's mother
threw him off.
Still, he was
a game fellow,
and someone
did manage to
hold on to him
by his tie
until he could
find the
energy to jump
back aboard
again. But, he
did lose his
hat, which was
a black mark
against him as
far as the
Bride's mother
was concerned.
A gentleman
should always
be able to
hang on to his
hat, whatever
the
circumstances.
And take the
weight on his
elbows, so it
is said.
Back at the
depot, very
late at night,
when all girls
and boys are
in bed fast
asleep,
Tammy's driver
took her for
her nightly
wash in the
buswash, and
then parked
her in the
line for the
night, right
next to her
old friend
Arthur. He's a
wise old bus,
you know, he does
know
everything.
Arthur had
just had his
wash, and was
dripping wet.
"You've been
out very late,
Tammy. Where
on earth did
you go to
today?"
"Oh, I've been
very busy.
I've been to a
welding, with
Hartley," she
said proudly.
"A WHAT!?"
exclaimed
Arthur.
"A . . .
welding . .
.?" she
replied. And
Tammy
described her
day out, all
the fancy
clothes, the
church, the
noisy pub, the
holy
mattresses,
and
everything.
Arthur
laughed, and
woke up some
of the other
buses already
asleep.
"Don't be
silly, Tammy.
It wasn't a
welding you've
been to. It
was a wedding!"
Arthur
explained.
"Oh, I'm sure
it was a
welding,"
Tammy said,
"two people were
joined
together, you
know."
"No, Tammy, not
a welding, but
a wedding."
Arthur laughed
even more
loudly.
"There's no 'L'
in wedding,
you silly
little bus!"
"Don't you
bloody believe
it!" muttered
Tammy's driver
as he walked
past them. He
put out all
the depot
lights, shut
the sliding
doors, and so
went home,
very late, to
his supper,
and to his
beloved wife.
Poor fellow!
© Robert L
Haywood 1999.
Please note
that the above
story was
written
especially for
this site, and
is not one of
the stories
that appear on
the video
advertised on
the catalogue
pages.
HOMEPAGE |||||||| ||||||| BLUE BUS MAIN PAGE
TAMMY'S
SONG
Hands Up !
And eyes open
wide.
All
aboard, till
I'm full up
inside.
There's no
need to push -
I'm not in
a rush -
My tickets
are fresh -
And it's four-pence a ride !
