THE BLUE BUS TALES

A New Tale for a Summer Welding

This is a new story, published here to commemorate
a close friend's wedding in 1999.
Hopefully, their day will turn out better than this . . . just don't go by bus!

TAMMY GOES TO A MARVELLOUS PARTY

It was very early in the morning in the bus depot. Tammy, the little bus with nothing upstairs, has been fast asleep all night, and has just woken up.

She wakes the rest of the depot, by ringing her bell loudly, several times. Tammy is a bit like the depot alarm clock. All the other buses depend upon her for an early call. Then, she waits the arrival of her driver. He will start Tammy's strong little engine, and prepare her for a new day's adventures on the roads, lanes and by-ways of East Yokelshire.

Tammy really looks forward to the start of every new day, to getting out onto her routes and picking up all her passengers and taking them for a ride. The longer the ride, the more she loves taking them for it.

Tammy's driver lives right next door to the bus depot, so that he is never late for work, and his first job is to wake up his wife so that she can make him breakfast. Then he has to go and switch on all the depot lights.

He fills Tammy's radiator with water -- fresh water, mind, for mashing tea with later -- and tests all her lights. Yes, that's fine, all seem to be working correctly. Now the horn. BEEeeeeeeeeEEP! Yes, that seems to be fine too.

Today, Tammy is taking her passengers for a VERY long ride, and for some of them, life will never be the same again. For Tammy is going to take a welding party - to . . . well, a welding of course. Now Tammy has never been to a welding before, but she has heard about them before, and she is not that sure she will like it, whatever it is. It sounds very permanent. But, all the same, she's very excited, like she always is, and she just can't wait to be ready to be off.

Hartley, the brand-new double-decker that thinks he knows everything, is Tammy's new friend, and is also getting ready to go and pick up all his passengers. He is parked right next to Tammy in the depot, and Tammy has woken him up with her noisy bell.

"Where are you off to today, Hartley?" Tammy asked him.

"Aha, I'm off to somewhere really special," Hartley replied seriously. That usually meant he didn't have a clue where he was going, or how to get there.  Most new buses have no idea about anything.

"Oh, and where's that then?" Tammy asked him cheerfully.

"Well, I'm going to pick up some very posh ladies and gentlemen, and I'm off to . . . now where is it . . . something called a . . . a welding! Yes, that's it, I'm going to a WELDING!" Hartley cried out gleefully.

Tammy looked miffed. She thought only she was doing this special job. Hartley had no business going to a welding as well.

"Huh! Is that so. Well, I never," she replied haughtily.

"So, where are YOU going?" Hartley asked.

Tammy wasn't sure that she wanted to tell him now. But she did anyway.

"I'm going to a welding. Too!" she added, still rather miffed. "But I can't see what YOU are going for."

"Oh, I see, we are BOTH going to a welding - perhaps there are too many passengers for one bus," Hartley explained as nicely as he could.

"I'm sure I could manage," Tammy replied, getting even more miffed.

Hartley still wondered what a welding really was, but he didn't want to ask Tammy - she always made fun of the things he didn't know. It embarrassed him and . . . and made him blush ... bright blue!

So, both buses were prepared for this big day. This was going to be something really special. First Tammy, and then Hartley, left the depot and made their way right across Slumbertown to a big, big  house where they would pick up all the people that were all going to a big party. A marvellous party. A welding party!

Neither of the two buses had any idea how long it would take arrive. But, boys and girls, you know how long any journey takes, don't you? It takes just as long as it takes to get there. And even a bit longer if there are lots of tinkle stops along the way.

They are called tinkle stops on account of when the ladies and gentlemen need to leave the bus, and ask the conductor if he will tinkle the bell to tell the driver to stop. But there were no ladies and gentlemen aboard just yet, so the journey didn't take as long as it usually takes.

Tammy was quite astonished when she and Hartley arrived at the big house, and she saw the size of the crowd of people waiting for them. For everyone was wearing very peculiar clothes. All the men wore long coats like dresses, called frocks, and very tall top hats! Very peculiar. And all the women wore huge dresses with big hats with enormous flowers in them. Even more peculiar! Tammy had never seen anything quite like this.

First, all the people tried to get themselves onto just one bus. And that annoyed Tammy, because the bus they all tried to get on was Hartley.

Well, he was the newest bus, you see, quite modern in fact. People, for some reason, do seem to prefer a modern bus, which to Tammy did seem rather silly.

Tammy was even more annoyed when some of these noisy people only tried to get aboard her when Hartley was quite obviously full. In fact, Hartley was so full with well-dressed people that he couldn't quite get his doors shut. Mostly because of the top hats. And some of the ladies' legs, which stuck out a bit. It was a bit of a job to get all the windows closed as well, and Hartley's very annoyed driver had to fight to get to his seat in the cab.

Presently, both buses were packed tight full of people. Hartley was packed jam tight, which is even tighter. Hartley had never been packed so tight since last week's football match.

Off they both went, though neither bus had any idea where to, or even what they would find when they got there.

After only a short while, they arrived at a huge grey building with a big tower at one end, and a clock on it that pointed to the time of day. Which, as it happens, was about right. It said it was time for something, Tammy was clever enough to know that. But quite what .. .. nah! She wasn't all that sure now . . .

All the passengers had been very noisy, some were singing, and Tammy was quite sure that some of them had been drinking that funny pop, that stuff that makes people's eyes go queer.

"I say, Tammy, this all looks rather good," Hartley shouted as all their passengers noisily rushed off both buses, raced up a long path, and disappeared inside the big building. "What IS that place?" Hartley said, very puzzled.

"Huh! I know what it is," Tammy replied, with a big sigh of recognition. "It's a church of course!"

"And what's that used for then?" Hartley asked, for he was a very new bus and only thought he knew everything. But he didn't know what a church was for, did he boys and girls?

"Not a lot! - except when it's used for welding people. Together. I think it's a bit like they do in the depot when something is broken," she explained. "People are welded together so they can't get apart. That's what this is all about - someone in there is getting welded. I've heard people talking about it."

Tammy would have loved to have got inside the church to see just how the people were welded. It must be fascinating to watch.

"Who's getting welded then," Hartley asked.

"You'll see," Tammy replied. "In a minute."

But all the people had barely crammed themselves in, and only been inside the church for a few moments, it seemed, when a great clatter started up of noisy bells, and everyone came rushing out again. This time much faster than they went in. What a rush! They didn't care which bus they got on this time, they were obviously in so great a rush and hurry to go somewhere important. Perhaps they were rushing away from all the noisy row of the bells!

Hartley was greatly surprised when one of Tammy's passengers, a little man wearing a small top hat, went aboard carrying a huge lady in a big white gown. Everyone was laughing and pushing and shoving to make sure that the little man and the big lady got up Tammy's three little steps, and properly settled inside.

"See!" said Tammy to Hartley. "The lady in the white gown is said to be the Bride. And the man in the top hat is said to be the Groom."

Very soon, Tammy was full to bursting, someone rang the bell several times, and before she could explain any further, they were off!

Now, Hartley might be a new bus, but he was very quick to figure things out. He straight away realised that the little man, said to be the Groom, and big lady, said to be the Bride, were the ones that had been welded. And so they were, she in his arms, as if they would never be parted. Joined together so that no man could put in anything they called a sunder. But Hartley realised that, because of the shape of the little man's bent legs, it must have been a great struggle. Poor man, he thought.

Ding-Ding, ding-ding, dingding-ding-a-ling-a-ling!! . . . went Tammy's bell, and without further ado, they all shot off up the road. Tammy suposed that Hartley would follow as soon as everyone was safely aboard.

This time, the journey was even quicker! Just around the corner, and Tammy's driver stopped her right outside a . . . pub!

Oh no! Tammy thought in despair. Not a pub. Oh dear, dear me, she said to herself. Not a pub!

For Tammy knew what this would mean. Another late night for a start. She didn't like taking people home from a pub. Especially after a welding. For a start, they didn't seem to be able to walk properly, which Tammy supposed was the fault of all the pop they had drunk.

Within a few seconds, everyone had rushed off the bus and into the pub even quicker than they had rushed into the church. And with even more noise - a lot more noise.

Hartley rushed up shortly after, skidded to a halt, and the great crowd piled out his door and straight into the pub, once they had got his doors open. One or two of the ladies' legs had jammed them tight shut.

"What's going on in there?" Hartley asked Tammy, when everyone had disappeared inside the pub. There was a fearful racket coming from within, and Hartley was fearful that the roof may collapse. "And whatever is all that noise?"

"That is the party," Tammy explained patiently. "That is where all the people sing and dance and drink to celebrate the two people that are welded. That's why it's a Welding Party. And the noise is called Pop Music," she added, "and it is all the pop that they drink that seems to make the pop music louder and louder. When everyone is very happy. Then they all have a fight."

"Why's that then?" Hartley asked, in all innocence.

"It's tradition," said Tammy knowingly, "and it's said to bring the lady said to be the Bride and the man said to be the Groom, good luck."

"Dear oh dear. Dear me! I think they'll need it!" exclaimed Hartley, at all the noise, which got louder and louder. It was the loudest noise that Slumbertown had heard in quite some time. It was nearly enough to waken the dead, and they can't hear very well at the best of times.

"They'll need it all right," Tammy said, "because now that they've been welded, they've both got to sleep on a mattress full of holes."

She stopped and thought for a moment. "Or a holy mattress, one or the other," she added, "they've been sort of joined, anyway, in holy mattressy. At least, that's what it sounded like. Very odd if you ask me."

And so it was boys and girls. For about . . . well, a long while, Tammy and Hartley waited outside this pub until it was dark. And very late.

Presently, all the people started coming out. But not as fast as they went in, oh no. Most were walking very steadily, clutching their heads and stomachs, and leaning on any wall they could find. Presumably, this was to stop their legs from falling over. Most were moaning, "Oh, my head, oh my poor head!" Which seemed very strange to Tammy, who could plainly see that it not their heads, but all their legs that were falling over.  That was causing most of the problem.

And then the happy couple came out. They are called the happy couple because, after all the pop they have drunk, they are very happy, very happy indeed. The happy lady, said to be the Bride, had a little trouble with her legs as she climbed Tammy's steps to board the little blue bus, and she had no real trouble carrying the little man, said to be the Groom, in her arms.

But it was easier once she had thrown him over her shoulder. For the man, said to be the Groom, had a little trouble with his legs, and was so unable to walk. He was what is commonly called . . . legless. Tammy knows this is the right term, because she overheard their drivers talking about it. "And he's legless," she heard one driver say to the other. Which seemed strange, because both his legs were still there. Oh, well, never mind.

When everyone, or mostly everyone, were all aboard both buses, off they all set to get all these happy and mostly legless people home.

It took all night to even find all their homes, because most of them just couldn't quite remember where their homes were, and Tammy's clever little driver simply had to guess. But eventually, all were safely delivered, if somewhat a little noisily. Everyone reached a home, even if it wasn't theirs. Some of them were happy about this, and some of them weren't. But everyone had had a good time, it seems, and most agreed they would never be able to remember it, whichever home they ended up in. It had, they all agreed, been an absolutely, spiffing, marvellous party.

Tammy, to keep herself cheerful as she went along, sang her song to herself. It is called Tammy's Song, and goes like this ...

Hands Up ! And eyes open wide.

All aboard till I'm full up inside.

There's no need to push -

I'm not in a rush -

My tickets are fresh -

And it's four-pence a ride.


There were only two fights, which was a shame, and that was when the Bride's mother threw the Groom's father off the bus, and the Bride and Groom both threw the Best Man into a large pond at a tinkle stop. It seems the Best Man, which isn't the Groom, has to be thrown into a pond. Only two fights is good for a welding, and very traditional, it seems. It's supposed to bring good luck, but who to, no one is quite sure.

But apart from that, all ended well, apart from the Groom's father, who wasn't very well at all. Tammy supposed it would have been best if she had stopped moving before the Bride's mother threw him off. Still, he was a game fellow, and someone did manage to hold on to him by his tie until he could find the energy to jump back aboard again. But, he did lose his hat, which was a black mark against him as far as the Bride's mother was concerned. A gentleman should always be able to hang on to his hat, whatever the circumstances. And take the weight on his elbows, so it is said.

. . Back at the depot, very late at night, Tammy's driver took her for her nightly wash in the buswash, and then parked her in the line for the night, right next to her old friend Arthur. He's a wise old bus, you know, he does know everything. Arthur had just had his wash, and was dripping wet.

"You've been out very late, Tammy. Where on earth did you go to today?"

"Oh, I've been very busy. I've been to a welding, with Hartley," she said proudly.

"A WHAT!?" exclaimed Arthur.

"A . . . welding . . .?" she replied. And Tammy described her day out, all the fancy clothes, the church, the noisy pub, the holy mattresses, and everything.

Arthur laughed, and woke up some of the other buses already asleep.

"Don't be silly, Tammy. It wasn't a welding you've been to. It was a wedding!" Arthur explained.

"Oh, I'm sure it was a welding," Tammy said, "two people were joined together, you know."

"No, Tammy, not a welding, but a wedding." Arthur laughed even more loudly. "There's no 'L' in wedding, you silly bus!"

"Don't you bloody believe it!" muttered Tammy's driver as he walked past them, to put out all the depot lights, shut the sliding doors, and so he went home, very late, to his supper, and to his wife.

Poor fellow!

© Robert L Haywood 1999.